Floral ☆ Dreams

We might have all seen the videos or the tweets online. Someone talking about symptoms of their mental disability, and then it turns out to be autism, ADHD or any other developmental disability. There has been a lot of people speaking up about the topic and giving their two cents on it. Concidering that it's such a nuanced topic, I figured I'd write a blogpost about it, instead of a thread of tweets where people will ultimately misunderstand me anyway. Because of the relatability of these posts, a lot of people start self-diagnosing themselfs. Understandably so. However, the concern from the mental health community is that many neurotypical people will take this and make it seem like our struggles aren't that bad because they themselfs went through it and it wasn't "that bad." And honestly I can agree that to a degree this is not what we as a community would like to happen of course. I would hate to see people downplay that what has been basically ruining my e

This week was pretty fun. I worked on a project at school where I'm pretty passionate about, and also, I had some fun with my classmates too. The week went by just like that. Time really does fly. The older I become the faster things go. I really don't want time to go this fast though. It feels like I'm wasting my time especially by having mental illness and experiencing everything that has to do with all that. I feel like time is being taken away from me sometimes. Without me being able to do anything with it.  I really hope though that spring will come fast. The flowers are already kind of out everywhere. It seems that it won't be long. I've been waiting for that moment. It will at least give me some more hope for the future. The winter isn't good for me.  What I've been working on mostly is still trying to get my name out there. I need to generate at least a bit of income, because if it goes on any longer than this I really will not make it. A Fivver acco

So I'll paint you a picture first: I was the quiet kid at school. To the point people forgot I was even there. I often sat in class just daydreaming. and when they did know I was there, I was called lazy. In hindsight I know that what I was going through was not normal. It wasn't what other kids were going through even though I thought it was. It turned out all I was suffering from was executive dysfunction, and just ADHD as a whole. They called me lazy. They let me fly under the radar. They set me back an entire niveau because I failed in a bunch of classes because of not doing my homework. I failed tests because even though I study days before I completely forget it the next day. I struggled on my own for all of those years. And I believed, I strongly believed that it was normal to feel like that. Up untill I was like 20. It didn't hit me earlier. I could hit my teacher for not seeing that something was wrong. She didn't do shit. She should've. They should've

It's been a while. I decided to come back to my blog concidering I had this insatiable feeling of wanting to write things. And so here I am. I guess you could say a lot of things changed in my life. And I changed as well. At least thats what I like to think that I did. First of all, I'm not sure wether or not I mentioned it in my last post or if it was too long ago, but I went back to school. It seems like I needed a new goal and perspective in life, and that's exactly how it went.  The more I went through life the more I learned about me and how my brain works. It's been eye opening for me. At the same time I feel resentment towards those who could've seen it but never bothered to investigate me past just telling me that I was lazy and bad. Personally though no matter how angry I am I do think I need to work past this with a therapist. Hopefully things will be sorted out in the future to the point I'll be able to go back to therapy again. I'd like to work t

My horoscope says I'll have more luck in love with a foreign person. Not that i'm that interested in that sorta thing (I mean the horoscope thing.) but it sounds plausable. There is a problem with that, though. At least for me. I've always longed for stuff like physical touches, and things along those lines. Things like hand holding (lewd!!) but with a long distance relationship, that is just something that isn't possible. Unless you really commit and buy a plane ticket. And i hate that. Well, i don't nessicarily hate it, it's more like, i need to know the person beforehand. I need to have talked to them for at least a year on a face to face discord call. I need to have known them from the top to the bottom. Maybe that is why until now i've had difficulty dating in the first place. But can you blame me? I just don't feel comfortable with rushing things so fast. It quite liturally makes me naucious.  I wish things were different. Sometimes i doubt myself

It's been a while since i've written an entry. I know i was going to document stuff here, but sometimes things get in the way. Like the worries about covid-19 and it making less of a chance for me to get a job. So now i just spend most of my time at home. Drawing, or hiking, trying to get some fat off. You know how that goes. Since highschool and being bullied for my looks, i never had a good relationship with food or how my body looks in general, but that is a whole different story. I wish i could go back to the time my grandmother was still alive. I've been thinking of putting a little shrine thing up for my grandparents to remember them in my animal crossing game using the pattern maker. Might do that next. Thank god for animal crossing. If this game wasn't there, i wouldn't know where i would've been. Mentally and physically. This game makes it possible to see my friends who live abroad, or aren't possble to be visited due to the virus. It'

I've seen dark before, but not like this This is cold, this is empty, this is numb The life I knew is over, the lights are out Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb I follow you around, I always have But you've gone to a place I cannot find This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down But a tiny voice whispers in my mind You are lost, hope is gone But you must go on And do the next right thing Can there be a day beyond this night? I don't know anymore what is true I can't find my direction, I'm all alone The only star that guided me was you How to rise from the floor? But it's not you I'm rising for Just do the next right thing Take a step, step again It is all that I can to do The next right thing I won't look too far ahead It's too much for me to take But break it down to this next breath, this next step This next choice is one that I can make So I'll walk through this night Stumbling blindly toward the light And do the next right thing A