Working on me

It's been a while. I decided to come back to my blog concidering I had this insatiable feeling of wanting to write things. And so here I am. I guess you could say a lot of things changed in my life. And I changed as well. At least thats what I like to think that I did. First of all, I'm not sure wether or not I mentioned it in my last post or if it was too long ago, but I went back to school. It seems like I needed a new goal and perspective in life, and that's exactly how it went. 

The more I went through life the more I learned about me and how my brain works. It's been eye opening for me. At the same time I feel resentment towards those who could've seen it but never bothered to investigate me past just telling me that I was lazy and bad. Personally though no matter how angry I am I do think I need to work past this with a therapist. Hopefully things will be sorted out in the future to the point I'll be able to go back to therapy again. I'd like to work through a whole bunch of stuff besides the mental illness I suspect I have.

The time when I'll finally be able to get into therapy is the time where I'll have a job and a house for myself. To be completely honest, the situation at home isn't doing my mental health any good. I really need to have a break. A place away from my parents. Neither of them have been helpful despite them trying to help. They will say they love me and then gaslight me into shit I didn't do. I want to put an end to my mother's overemotional outbursts one way or another.

Let's talk about the positives
A lot of things changed for the better as time went on. Despite the global pandemic I feel like I am at least a small step towards where I want to be. I didn't even have a depressive mental breakdown at the end of the year. Instead I played a card game with my family. I am seeing it as a big win for me, honestly!

Besides all that, I was able to get some money from my birthday and some government money to buy a macbook air, which helped me feel a little better also. I brought a nice case for it and put some cute stickers on it which I got from a very good pen pal friend in Germany. Love her so much for that. They're on display on my laptop now. So if any Genshin nerd at school sees me and my laptop they'll know I like the game too.

I made a few new friends at school, and I really feel like I changed into a better person. What I mean by that is that I'm constantly confronted with kids in my class who are like how I used to be like. It's nice to be able to look at them and be able to know that I've grown past that phase. I'm more mature now although most people wouldn't say that I am because I have plenty of childish behaviours that I'm never going to shake. But that's normal and everyone is like that, as my mother states. I think it's rather funny. I at least hope it's like the way my peers were acting back when I was in internship at a very nice company. (Where I felt right at home by the way)

I do have relapses from time to time. And I'm gonna be honest, the stress is getting to me as well to the point I'm feeling my heart. But somehow things feel different. I hope that I'll be able to work through this too later down the line. I'd like to find peace within myself. Finally have a job I enjoy and a place to myself. For now, I'm still working on that. See you soon.