in reality

I don't like life. I don't like the way that i am forced to do things that i don't want to. I want to hide from life. I want to beathe and nothing more. Things are so complicated in life. I don't understand why. I don't understand any of it. Why things are happening. Why i can't get things to happen. Why i'm so on my own. I don't understand anything. I am all alone in a world that doesn't let me be who i want to be and do what i want to do. Finding a life partner is even harder. I don't understand why. I don't understand how. I think how is the biggest question here. Because i am entirely clueless as to what to do. Things aren't as easy as they used to be when i was a kid. All i want to do is sit in my room, make art. Enjoy nature and how beautiful it is.

As of right now we're having a hailstorm and i'm in awe of the beautiful sound that it makes. The dripping of water down the rainpipe of our house, the ticking of the hail against the window. The dark atmosphere. It's beautiful in it's own way. It helps me meditate and get into a peaceful headspace. At least i'm not outside at the moment. That would be tragic wouldnt it?

Losing another one of my grandparents has proven to be very tough. Because all of them were very dear to me. I really couldn't imagine a life without visiting them in their summer home in the south of france, yet here we are, a year later, with a deadly sick granddad. I don't understand why this all happened so quickly. He was fine before. Life can be so ruthless. I guess they'll start passing away one by one. Untill in the end my parents would go too. That's a scary thought. It makes me feel even more alone than i already am.

There has been a lot of stuff happening. And i feel like the bad things outweigh the good ones. It's definately not been a great time for me. I promised i'd talk about my possible indonesian family, i'll do that soon. This is all i could manage today.

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